‘All for the One Percent’ party is seeking candidiates

Thursday, January 5, 2012

To the Editor:

The AFO Party is looking for candidates willing to promise prosperity through tiny government and no taxes. You don’t need experience. You just have to say “no” to taxes and “no” to government spending. That sounds easy, doesn’t it?

You must believe that lowering taxes on the rich creates jobs, and a better life for everyone. And while cutting government will cost jobs, it will bring down the deficit, which is good. We actually want to eliminate government entirely, except for defense. It is an issue of fairness. Let those who want things like emergency rooms, social services, K-12 education, clean air, medical research and safe highways, pay for them. Why should the rest of us?

What are your qualifications? First, you take our pledge to say “no” to everything. Simple. Beyond that, it would be helpful if you are trim and attractive, and can say you are “Christian” – in the broad sense – and that you pray at least twice a day. Who would know? The world’s problems: war, crime, famine, pollution, global warming, poverty, unemployment, disappearing blue-fin tuna, are really God’s problems, aren’t they? “Leave it to the Almighty, and let the free market work,” is a good motto.

You must support “family values” – not in the sense of nurturing human relationships – but values like heterosexuality, procreation, and male parental discipline. Having a college degree is good, but love of learning, especially science, or foreign languages, is bad. You could be labeled an “elite intellectual.”

Try to develop a twang, use words like “gosh,” and say “howdy” a lot. This makes you more appealing to our Party’s “six-pack” voters.

Are you worried about a popular opposing candidate… someone with experience in government, who knows economics and public policy? Not to worry. We have unlimited resources to spend on your campaign: funding “institutes” and experts to support your views (our views); on media-blanketing propaganda; and to spend on smear ads (and even lie, if we must) to cripple your opponent. We don’t buy votes. We just create a reality in which you are “the only logical choice.”

Why will we spend money to get you elected? Because putting you in office will make us richer (see above, regarding platform). And remember, if you represent our Party, you’ll get richer too!

(signed) The AFO Party (“All for the One Percent”)

JOHN G. DAVID

Amherst