Daughters without dad denied at dance

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Cabinet file photo John Herner and is daughter Ella, 4, of Milford cut the rug during the 2011 Daddy Daughter Dance in Milford Town Hall. Neaerly three times as many people attended this year's dance, but a Recreation Policy forbidding mothers and other adult women became an issue.

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Cabinet file photo In 2011 Dan Gagnon of Milford brought both his daughters Hallie and Aliah to the Daddy Daughter Dance in Milford Town Hall.

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Andrew M. Virzi photo
The second annual father-daughter dance held at the Milford town hall drew a large crowd of dancers.

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Cabinet file photo John Herner and is daughter Ella, 4, of Milford cut the rug during the 2011 Daddy Daughter Dance in Milford Town Hall. Neaerly three times as many people attended this year's dance, but a Recreation Policy forbidding mothers and other adult women became an issue.

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MILFORD – The Milford Recreation Department is taking a new look at its policy for the annual Daddy Daughter Dance after two young girls were turned away at the door because they didn’t have a male escort.

The issue came up after a custodial grandmother, Carol Tabakaru, wrote an email to the town and to The Cabinet expressing dismay because the two girls she brought to the dance, ages 6 and 8, were denied permission to enter.

In her email, Tabakaru said she understood the theory of the dance: “young ladies escorted by their fathers in semiformal attire having a bonding magical moment.”

But at the door, when she was told the girls couldn’t enter without a male escort, “I asked what girls that had no father were supposed to do. The reply was, there are other dances.”

The two girls, Tabakaru said, “were very upset. They could not grasp the concept of being unescorted because to their minds an escort is the adult that cares for them.”

Still, after talking to Town Administrator Guy Scaife, she said that she saw what happened, and officials’ reaction to it, as a positive step that might result in a change in the policy.

“I do not wish to turn this event into a huge negative,” Tabakaru wrote in a subsequent email. “The dance was a happy event for the many young ladies and their fathers that went and fabulously successful for the town.”

The Valentine dance has become extremely popular; this year, it attracted nearly three times as many people as last year, filling the Town Hall Auditorium almost to capacity.

At one point the line to get on the Middle Street elevator wrapped around to the front of the building, said Banks in a memo to Scaife and selectmen.

More than 200 people registered ahead of time, and another 200 stood in line to register.

“If the woman had called ahead of time for extenuating circumstances we could have worked it out,” Banks said. “There was not a lot of time to review special circumstances.”

Banks said that three or four mothers had phoned the Recreation Department prior to the dance, asking if they could attend and she explained to them that girls had to have a adult male escort.

“Obviously, this is a very popular event, and I hate to see that get lost,” she said on Tuesday morning.

Her department will discuss possible changes in the dance policy, including the possibility of requiring all attendees to register ahead of time, she said.

“Neither boys nor female escorts are permitted,” she wrote in her memo to town officials.

At the two previous dances, she said, the only women in attendance were those running the event or helping with the event, “and this may have led to some confusion” about who was allowed.

On Saturday night, Banks said, a volunteer working the registration line saw a woman in line with the two girls and asked Banks what she should do. Banks said she told the volunteer to politely ask the grandmother and two girls to leave.

“Looking back, I wish we could have made an exception,” she said. “We obviously feel bad that two girls didn’t get to” go to the dance.

Tabakaru said she didn’t think it would be an issue when she decided to take the girls. “It was not the fault of a 6-year-old and an 8-year-old that they had no male to escort them to the dance,” she wrote.

In a later email, she said she had spoken with Scaife about what happened and said “it was a positive conversation and I think there will be a contingency plan in place for this situation next year.”

Despite the disappointment, she praised Milford’s recreation programs and said that after being turned away, “the girls went to their aunt’s house and had a girly night with her and her daughters.”

And, she said, “Girls from my Girl Scout Troops have told me that it was indeed a magical moment in time and Dads have shown me their (pictures) and said they had a great time. I have heard from others that the girls and I should have ‘just sucked it up, life is full of disappointment.’ I agree it is, but these disappointments are the start of a positive change toward the future.”