Knowing everything about nothing

WASHINGTON (KNNS) – The Trump administration is expected to issue an executive order calling for stronger and perhaps more painful vetting of Republican congressional candidates, including incumbents, The Know Nothing News Service has learned.

The move comes just days after Congress failed to repeal President Obama’s Affordable Care Act and replace it with something that Trump officials said would have been “really, really extraordinarily good” or with something that might have been “pretty darn good and better than that other thing that you have now” or at least “something that isn’t that other thing.”

That failure on the part of Congress, particularly the House of Representatives, Trump officials said, was “really, really extraordinarily bad,” and has led administration insiders, and apparently the president, to the belief that some members of the House are illegal Republicans who slipped into office because of improper vetting procedures early in the process of introducing them into the Republican system.

“We have to be tougher,” a spokesman for Trump adviser Steve Bannon said, “and that means being really tough – so tough that people who think they know tough will volunteer to wear dunce caps that say, ‘Make Congress Tough Again.’ And if they don’t volunteer to wear them, we’ll make them wear them.”

Along with tougher vetting of congressional Republican candidates, some officials said, the administration will also demand tougher scrutiny of current and potentially future sons-in-law. This comes after Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner went skiing instead of sticking around Washington to help, in some way no one was able to describe, get the Obama health care law repealed.

“We’re not sure what help he might have been,” an administration insider told KNNS, “but we know for sure he wasn’t helping at all while he was shushing down the slopes. On the other hand, maybe that was more help than he would have been had he been here. Who knows? We don’t know. Do you know? For the love of God, tell us if you do.”

Congressional Republicans reacted strongly to the idea of vetting them more closely.

“Why should we be vetted?” one congressman demanded, asking for anonymity because he didn’t want Trump to get angry at him and tweet something idiotic but possibly insulting, given that some of the congressman’s constituents believe anything that comes in 140 characters or fewer and resembles actual words is fact.

“We’re good Republicans. We’ve never been arrested for anything. We’re in the party legally, and we say all the right things like ‘The American People’ and ‘God Bless America,’ so if they’re going to vet anyone more closely, they should vet them.”

The congressman did not explain who he meant by “them,” except to say, “Everybody knows who they are.”

A Trump official was asked who he thought the congressman meant by “them” and he said, “Well, that’s easy: Them is anyone who isn’t us. And that means him, that congressman guy you claim you talked to anonymously for your fake news, you faker.”

Asked what sort of harsher vetting measures might be considered, the Trump insider would not say, except to say it would be “really, really great vetting, the best vetting ever,” and would ensure that all persons hoping to be elected to Congress as Republicans were really Republicans as defined by people inside the Trump administration.

“In other words,” an aide said, “Republicans who know their place, and their place is right behind us saying ‘Yes, sir,’ and ‘You’re the boss’ a lot.”

Asked what would happen to Republicans who didn’t meet such criteria, the aide said, “You’ll get to see how many times we, or actually he, can say ‘Closet Liberal Pelosi-Schumer New York-California liberal’ in 140 characters.”

Told that a count of characters indicated it would be fewer than three times because ‘Closet Liberal Pelosi-Schumer New York-California liberal’ tweeted just once is already 57 characters, the Trump Administration aide said, “Doesn’t it make you wonder why Twitter is trying to wreck our agenda by refusing to change its rules for us?”

The Know Nothing News Service tried to get an interview with President Trump, but was accused of being a part of the mainstream media, even though the president had never heard of it.

Asked how KNNS could do that, the administration aide said, “Just watch Fox News a night or two. You’ll figure it out. They get it.”

Mike Cleveland is former editor of The Cabinet.