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Tillerson has to leave like a champ

So, here’s what has to happen:

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has to find a reasonable, intelligent, believable way to say … I HATE THIS JOB. I QUIT.

Without saying I hate this job, I quit.

He’s got to get out with his dignity intact.

OK, it’s too late for that, but he’s got to get out with something resembling his self respect.

OK, it’s too late for that.

What he has to do is find an excuse that doesn’t sound TOTALLY lame. At first blush, you might think he could feign illness, but no one who has been a top-of-the-line corporate executive and, for crying out loud, the United States secretary of state, wants to leave office on a medical discharge.

“Oh, poor Rex. Is he going to be OK? Does he have to stay home and rest? Let’s all bring him some chicken soup.”

No. He’s got to go out looking strong, looking tough, looking like a guy somebody might want to hire to do something fascinating like get credit ratings hacked and then present with a golden parachute worth millions. Like that cat from Equifax. Man, is he making out like a bandit. Ninety million dollars? I’ll take it. Hey, I can screw up worse than he did (maybe) so I should get $100 million.

Rex has got to leave Foggy Bottom looking like a champ. But how?

Every time he turns around, the (God, I can’t believe I’m saying this) president of the United States named (God …) Trump is giving Rex heartburn. You have to hope that before Rex took this job, he told his loved ones to buy stock in whatever company makes antacids. Rex must be buying them by the ton, cleaning out D.C. drug stores. He’ll be buying them on street corners if that’s what it comes to. Calling Stringer Bell. (Reference to “The Wire.”)

But how does he get out of this embarrassing mess without further embarrassment?

Actually, assuming that NBC is right, Rex had the perfect out: Assuming he really did call the president a “moron,” he could easily have followed it up with this: “… a moron for whom I can’t work. I like to be surrounded by intelligent people and …”

Too late now. Because at his press conference, Rex said the president is intelligent. Oh, and loves his country. OK, then.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. You are thinking that NBC lied, that it “made up” the “moron” story. And I know who told you that. The guy Rex called … well, you know. Oh, boy. Listen, kids, yes there have been one or two Jason Blairs but for every one Jason Blair there are 10,000 Nelly Blys or Bob Woodwards. NBC doesn’t “make up” stories. And listening to Chuck Todd, the host of Meet the Press, on the Eagan and Braude WGBH radio show the other day, they had at least 12 sources and researched the story for three months before running with it. For those of you not familiar with how things work in journalism, 12 sources is A LOT. Maybe, MAYBE some of those sources lied to NBC but 12 liars? Sorry. Anyone who says all 12 sources lied is a liar. Anyone who says NBC didn’t have 12 sources and MADE UP the story is a moron.

Anyway, back to Rex. I feel sorry for Rex. All his working life, he’s been successful, he’s been admired, he’s been hated by people who envy his success. But now …

In corporate boardrooms all over America, Rex is kind of a sad, pathetic joke. Every captain of industry is telling one another this: “If I were secretary of state, nobody’d push me around like that. I’d stand up LIKE A MAN.”

No you wouldn’t, captain of industry. You’d get out there in that press conference and play kissy face just like Rex did.

It would take far too much courage to get out there and say this: “I said it, I meant it, and I have nothing to apologize for.”

Except in this day and age, EVERYBODY apologizes eventually.

Except, well, this one guy who has that old bully pulpit from which he acts like a bully.

Apparently, it’s easy to bully people like Rex. He takes it.

The prez undercuts him on North Korea and Rex says, “Oh, well.”

Countries around the globe are wondering if it makes any sense to pay attention to anything Rex says. They’re wondering if Rex will quit.

But Rex is not going to just up and quit, uh, uh. He’s got to find that really, really good excuse that you and I will believe.

Like he’s got a better job. Better than secretary of state.

Or, like that schnook Congressman Murphy from Pennsylvania who railed against abortion until his mistress might have needed one, Rex needs to get caught telling a whopper and then just resign in disgrace, because he can always blame it on getting caught, not being a weeny. A whopper, eh? A big, fat whopper. Hmmmm …

Wait a minute, there was that press conference. …

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