Fla. candidate has some sense

Friends, I have a new hero. She is Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera, who wants to be one of the U.S. congresspeople from Florida. She is running in the Republican primary there.

Oh, how I hope she wins. You might, of course, wonder why. Well, as the former managing editor of Saucer News (the official magazine of the Saucer And Unexplained Celestial Events Research Society, i.e., a magazine about UFOS published in the late 1960s), I am for any candidate who is willing to publicly come out and say that she once was visited by aliens and has communicated with them telepathically since that probably wonderful visit.

Here is how Rodriguez Aguilera’s story was reported by The Washington Examiner which, as a good right-wing organ, would never publish something totally nutty, so they must believe her. As, of course, do I:

“Rodriguez Aguilera made the remarks during an interview in 2009 in which she described “going up” in the spaceship.

“I went in. There were some round seats that were there, and some quartz rocks that controlled the ship – not like airplanes,” Rodriguez Aguilera said.

“She compared the aliens to the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, which has its arms outstretched.

“Rodriguez Aguilera also said the extra terrestrials mentioned Isis, though it’s unclear if she meant the terrorist group or the ancient Egyptian goddess.

“I personally am a Christian and have a strong belief in God, I join the majority of Americans who believe that there must be intelligent life in the billions of planets and galaxies in the universe.”

I, too, believe there must be intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, although sometimes I wonder about Earth (except, of course, for me about whom I never wonder, just marvel).

Oh, regarding the aliens mentioning Isis? I like to think they were referring to Dylan’s song “Isis” from the “Desire” album, but I can’t find anything in the lyrics that I think would swing for aliens. Still, you never know.

Anyway, I digress. If I had friends in Florida – among the 50 states where I have no friends – I would tell them to vote for Rodriguez Aguilera. We need folks like her in Congress, people who really might be able to explain how killing health care subsidies is good for people, especially those who won’t be able to get health care without health care subsidies, thus will flock to emergency rooms in hospitals that will pass those costs to paying patients – like YOU – who will pass those costs to their insurance companies that will then charge people – like YOU – more in premiums so that YOU will actually be paying the health care costs of people who can no longer afford health care. I’m proud of you. What a nice thing for you to do.

Were I you – you must be eternally grateful that I am not – I would ask Rodriguez Aguilera, once she is elected, to contact her alien buddies and have them develop a health care plan that Democrats and Republicans can support and also have them suggest to congressional Democrats and Republicans that if they don’t support the plan, well, they’ll learn something interesting about alien culture, specifically the effects of lobotomizing rays on nuts in the Congress (this is a very vague reference to the play “The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds.” Too vague? Maybe you should see the play. I never did.)

Oh, and maybe she could have them ask why many insurance plans cover Viagra but not birth control pills. Or why congressmen who are anti-abortion when it’s for us suddenly think abortion is a great idea when their mistresses get pregnant. Break out the lobotomizing ray, alien brothers.

Really, with Rodriguez Aguilera and her telepathic alien friends in Congress, much might be accomplished. And it will be fascinating to watch when she gets up to speak and stops mid sentence:

“Wait. Wait. I’m getting a telepathic message. What? What is that, telepathic friends? We are all to dance up and down the aisles? But why? No, NO! I’m not questioning your wisdom. Dance we shall. Dance, DANCE my congressional colleagues, dance away from the lobotomy ray.”

You think that’s worse than what we have now? I desperately want to see Paul Ryan dance, and one can hope he will sing Sydney Carter’s “The Lord of the Dance.” Can you see/hear Ryan flitting around the House chamber singing:

“Dance, then, wherever you may be,

“I am the Lord of the Dance, said he,

“And I’ll lead you all, wherever you may be,

“And I’ll lead you all in the Dance, said he.”

I don’t know, maybe “Boogaloo Down Broadway?”

Yeah, Paul Ryan. … As Lou Reed sang, “Up to Lexington, 1-2-5. …” Real popular uptown would be Paul.

Anyway, vote for Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera if you live in Florida and have any sense at all. Sense of humor? Good enough.