Mo money, mo money, mo money

You know I don’t like to speak for you, but in this case I am so certain that you agree with me that I’m going to speak for you and say that I know that you have a sense of great relief after having read this headline in USA Today recently:

“Millionaires’ wealth up 11%, tops $70 trillion.”

You’d been worried, hadn’t you. I had.

I was afraid that poor millionaires might be in the same boat as working people, perhaps only seeing their wealth increase 1 or 2 percent, if at all. Those are the kinds of raises that regular folks get, if they get any, but as you and I well know, millionaires are not regular folks. They are, by dint for their wealth, BETTER THAN WE ARE.

Oh, I suppose there are some egalitarians among you – silly people – who think that folks who work with their hands (an Eddie Lawrence song called “I Work With My Hands” is recommended for you) or who slave in an office cubicle are just as good as millionaires and probably just as good as billionaires, but that’s just nutty and deep in your hearts, you know that.

Deep in your hearts, you know that millionaires DESERVE an 11 percent increase in their wealth simply because they have lots of money and because they have lots of money and ARE BETTER THAN WE, they deserve to have even more.

So, yes, I’m assuming you were as relieved as I when you saw that headline and if you didn’t see it, shame be upon you. Now, however, you know about it and can wipe your fevered brow in relief and give thanks unto Wall Street for ensuring that our millionaire class – and they are far classier than we – has, in the old expression that came from somewhere, MO MONEY, MO MONEY, MO MONEY.

Whew.

Then there was this headline, also in USA Today:

“Here’s why Millennials are really bad at tipping.”

Before I read the story, I made this assumption:

Because they live in the basement of Mommy’s and Daddy’s house because they can’t get a job that will allow them to pay rent and student loans.

Then it turns out it wasn’t a STORY story, it was a video, but instead of getting the story video I got an ad for a vacuum that I will never buy if for no other reason than they snuck this ad in on me when all I wanted to watch was a 42-second ad on why Millennials are so bad at tipping.

I finally got to watch it and it turned out I was right. Maybe not about the part about Mom’s and Dad’s basement, but about the part about not having much money.

The odd thing, according to the video story, is, no, Millennials don’t tip servers in restaurants, YET most restaurant servers are Millennials so it’s as if the non-tippers were saying:

Not tipping you is like not tipping me, if I were you, and I might be you, if not today then tomorrow, because I can’t find a damn job, so when I’m you and you eat at my restaurant, you won’t have to tip me. Oh, my God, what the heck am I thinking? Here, have a great big tip.

No, that’s not going to happen.

But here’s an idea:

Maybe some of those millionaires who just got 11 percent richer could eat at restaurants where a lot of the servers are Millennials and could leave generous tips. But you know that’s not going to

happen, because these potatoes didn’t become millionaires by leaving generous tips, they became millionaires by keeping the tips for themselves and calling their brokers.

Mom’s and Dad’s basement is warm, anyway, unless Dad’s been laid off by a company owned by a millionaire and Mom can’t find work because she’s pushing 50 and THAT’S TOO OLD TO BE HIRED, as we all know.

Oh, and have you noticed that every time Donald Trump threatens more tarrifs, global stocks “tumble,” as USA Today recently mentioned? Suppose, just suppose, he does it deliberately and then, when global stocks tumble, calls his broker with a BUY order.

“Wow, Melania, I just bought International Schmuckaduck for pennies on the dollar and you know why? Because GLOBAL STOCKS TUMBLED. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, let’s go out to eat and stiff a Millennial. That’ll put a real capper on the day.”

Really, there must be something he enjoys. He doesn’t seem to enjoy being president. I think he enjoys some of the things he gets to do and I think he enjoys holding rallies where people seem to adore him, God knows why, but I don’t think he enjoys the job. Because it’s really a job, and he’s never held one.

“I have to do this every day? Really? But that’s like … a JOB.”

“Yes, sir, it is.”

“Well, I didn’t sign up for a JOB. I signed up to be president and I thought that meant I got to do stuff like I always did. You know, boss people around but when I wanted to, not every day and just about ALL DAY. What’s with that? And the Secret Service doesn’t want me to go to McDonald’s. What’s with THAT? They keep trying to serve me stuff that looks suspiciously like food other people eat. People who have JOBS. I hate JOBS. Jobs are for … for THEM.”

You know, though, I kinda dig the concept of having something that isn’t really a job but a place where you go to tell other people to do stuff. You think I should run for president? I’m pretty good at bossing people and I sure as heck don’t want to do any work, any actual work, I mean. I can sign stuff, and I can hold rallies with all the people who will love me (or else).

You’d vote for me, wouldn’t you?

Hey, you voted for HIM.

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