My wife had to deal with the howling beast known as Mandy while I was away for two days recently.

She times the start of her day to when I get up – 4 a.m. If I’m not downstairs by then, she sits on the kitchen table – she’s forbidden to sit on the kitchen table, but we’re in bed, so she sits on the kitchen table – and screams. It’s not a “meow.” It’s the kind of scream you’d hear from a cat being abused.

She’s only been howling like that for about a year and the first time, it scared the heck out of us. The cat didn’t take into consideration the fact that I wasn’t home. At 4 a.m., she howled loudly enough to wake up Kathy despite the bedroom fan being on.

Kathy was not happy. I suggested she just start rising at 4 and getting a start on her work day. Her response was not encouraging.

Still, even an idiotic howling cat beats a dog. My aunts Catherine and Connie have dogs and they were at the Jersey Shore when I was there and it reminded me that a dog is Nature’s way of saying GET A CAT!

I have this hat that my wife bought me before we went to Italy a few years ago, and I wear it every day, everywhere, but it’s not a summer hat and in hot weather I sweat and the hat gets sweaty and you can’t wash it, you’re supposed to clean it by hand but I have no idea how to do that so I have a sweat-stained hat that I wear every day everywhere.

A couple of weeks ago, my wife took me to Here Today, a groovy antique shop in Wilton, because she saw a Panama hat that she wanted to buy for me to wear in place of my sweat-stained hat but when we got there, I saw immediately that it was a woman’s hat and while I am perfectly willing to wear my daughter’s old corduroy jacket that buttons on her side, not mine, I drew the line at a woman’s hat even though it didn’t have a ribbon.

I don’t know why my wife didn’t know it was a woman’s hat, but maybe she’s just not a hat person. She’s more of a shirt person. She has lots of shirts. Some she’s even worn this century.

This is my current favorite quote:

“Faith cannot conceal character.” said Joseph O’Neill in “The First World,” a short story published July 2 in The New Yorker.

It sure can’t conceal Mike Pence’s character. Yikes, what a scary guy. He’s the best case for NOT impeaching and getting the Senate to convict Trump, just as Spiro Agnew was Richard Nixon’s keep-me-in-office guy until he got busted for some crime related to money (a Republican trait) rather than sex (Democrats have way more fun).

Pence. Shudder.

Here’s the future headline defining Pyrrhic victory:

“Senate convicts Trump, Pence takes presidency.”

OK, so here’s a headline on the page that pops up when I go to my computer:

“Kaepernick praises Big Sean, YG for calling out EA Sports.”

Huh? I KNOW who Kaepernick is. He’s the guy that is NOT BLACKLISTED (snicker, snicker) by NFL owners for taking a knee during the National Anthem to protest racism, but they think he’s anti-American or maybe anti-fat-rich-white-guy-sports-team-owner (find a svelte one, and then ask yourself why Bob Kraft has a hot, young girlfriend).

Big Sean? Sean of the Dead? Sean Hannity? Please, no. Sean Connery would be cool but it’s probably not him. On a link to Macys, I found this: Mens Sean John Jeans. Honest. I have no idea …

YG? Are those initials? Then why no periods?

EA Sports? That’s gotta be Deep State Cable, so deep nobody subscribes to it, except maybe somebody in the basement of the State Department.

There is a picture on our desktop of me eating a bowl of yogurt and blueberries and the message is clear. I just don’t know what it is.

This from Leonard Cohen in “The Future”:

“Give me back the Berlin Wall, give me Stalin and St. Paul … I have seen the future and it’s murder.”

Prescient.

Another computer screen headline:

“Kim and Kanye’s over-the-top home edition.”

Why are these people news? Have they done anything of value, besides being famous for reasons that escape me? Is this what happened to Rome?

One can only hope that soon “Kardashian” will become “The K Word” and unacceptable in polite company. It’s already unacceptable in intelligent company, isn’t it?

By the time you read this, the trial of Paul Manafort will be over, one can hope. But while it was going on, the judge appeared to be making a noodnik of himself and then, last week, I read this on MSN News:

“The judge in the trial of U.S. President Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort expressed contrition on Thursday to jurors for harsh commentary directed at prosecutors.

“‘I may have made a mistake. It has nothing to do with your consideration in this case,’ U.S. District Judge T.S. Ellis said as the trial went into its eighth day in federal court in Alexandria, Virginia.

“Ellis has repeatedly prodded prosecutors to move swiftly while seemingly giving Manafort’s defense team more latitude. He also has repeatedly made comments that some legal experts said may prejudice the jury against the prosecution.”

This is where, on “Law and Order,” a real judge would tell the jury to “Disregard the prosecution’s last remarks. They are stricken from the record.”

Yeah, but in this case, the JUDGE made the remarks that should be stricken, so he SORT of said to the jury:

“Disregard my last remarks. They have been stricken from the record.”

And, surely, the jury will forget what he said once they begin deliberations because jurors are ALWAYS able to disregard things they hear in court.

There’s no such thing as climate change – FAKE SCIENCE, FAKE SCIENCE – so stop whining and pack your stuff and move to the South Pole where soon there will be plenty of land because there won’t be any ice.

Silver lining!

OK, that’s enough. “Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti mulls 2020 White House run,” was the headline in the New York Daily News.

This is one of those times when it’s OK to run screaming into the forest and BEG a bear to eat you.