Weird science: Things people are doing during COVID

Cabin fever is running rampant. Claustrophobia, panic attacks and manic behavior abounds. And that’s just when I’m taking a shower.

People are waving their feral freak flags as we continue to cope with COVID-19. I cope by wearing a mask when I’m out. That way I can mutter dirty things to those people around me at Market Basket who aren’t wearing masks. (You, the lady getting a little friendly with the pomegranates in the produce section. I’m talking to you.)

Following rules aside, folks are getting stir crazy and expressing themselves in the wildest ways:

Paws for concern: In the U.K., two stuffed bears, Ted and Ed, keep their neighbors entertained as they perform various chores like mowing the lawn and equally enjoying their downtime relaxing in bathtubs. I like the idea of lifting people’s spirits, but if you have two bathtubs on your front lawn, you’ve got bigger problems to worry about. Also, I don’t know if the bears are a couple or just friends. Sort of like Ernie and Bert. Ted and Ed are on Instagram, but I’m not sure about Grindr. If they were on Grindr, they wouldn’t be the first bears there perusing that site.

Wite out: A group of friends decided to don their wedding dresses and storm the cul-de-sac in their neighborhood. The ladies (I’m assuming) decided to have a “fancy wine night,” box-o-vino in tow. The brides popped champagne bottles, rode scooters, and socially distanced themselves in a photo shoot. No word on who caught the bouquet, but one lucky man, aged 93, caught the garter. He’s now in stable condition.

Dog shamers: Hank the Newfoundland dog has two humans who have decided to dress him up daily in different styles and then post the images of his costumes online. This message is for Hank: Get out now. One picture of him is that of a tarot card reader. I say: Read the cards. They say that you’re going to have “mishap” on each of the owners’ beds. Meanwhile, Hank has retained famed attorney Gloria Allred. There are murmurs that a lawsuit might be brewing. Hank himself said the case is about humility and “being able to hang my head high even when I’m sniffing crotches.” The alleged suit charges that the owners embarrassed and mortifed the Newfoundland, age unknown. “I’m not going to just rollover when they tell me too,” Hank said. There is also word that a Lifetime movie is in the works, titled, “Dress Me Up, Sleep With One Eye Open: The Hank the Newfoundland Story.”

Cheer down already: In a related story, a mailman in the U.K. likes to entertain the folks on his route by dressing up in different costumes, which include a cheerleader, Waldo and Cleopatra. “Everybody is now coming to the door, waiting for me to come ’round.”

He thinks they’re excited to see him. I think they’re just alarmed. Once the first person spots this individual going postal, they apparently message each other to warn them of his imminent package delivery. Hank noted: “Clearly, this isn’t just a canine affliction.”

Spudnik: A head honcho at People for the American Way was holding a weekly Monday morning check-in (who doesn’t love those) with her colleagues when she accidentally turned on a potato filter and was unable to change it back. Her image, for the rest of the meeting, was a potato with a face on it. “We started flipping on our cameras and the boss popped up as a potato in the soil. We all laughed because all you could see were her eyes and mouth.” Rumor has it that the boss is now avoiding starches in her diet and she’s not allowed to press buttons randomly on a computer like a cat playing a piano.

Chipping away at intelligence: During a normal time, eating the last Dorito chip wouldn’t be such a big deal. But now having to don Hazmat gear to go back to the store, it has become the quickest way to a divorce, break-up or a life of monk-like solitude. One man, with an absurd amount of free time, spent hours making a fake chip, so he could secretly eat the real one without telling his girlfriend. “As an artist and as an actor, I try not to look at anything as a waste of time,” said the Harvard graduate, I’m guessing. “I mean, it wasn’t a waste of time, I got to eat the last Dorito and she still hasn’t noticed.” Meanwhile, his girlfriend has moved on with her life and is now living in a commune with Cap’n Crunch and the little weird dude in the Dr. Pepper commercials.

Do you want fries with that?: A man has spared no expense in recreating a movie plex, Starbucks, and McDonald’s in his home for his daughter. The doting dad has played every role possible necessary to make her experience as authentic as possible. He’s dressed up as a movie theater usher making popcorn for a movie; he wrote her name on a Starbucks cup; and he’s created a “Happy Meal” for her and has even worn a headset for 112 days straight, forcing him to sleep standing up at a slight angle. In the interim, he put gum on the bottom of her shoe, had her car towed from the driveway, (she was parked in Starbucks employee parking only), and told her to get out of Mickey D’s for not wearing a mask. Said Hank: “At least he’s not picking out your clothes.”