This … will be the mightiest day in the history of our lives, the holiest, & the most generous toward us both — for it makes of two fractional lives a whole; it gives to two purposeless lives a work, & doubles the strength of each whereby to perform it; it gives to two questioning natures a reason for living, & something to live for; it will give a new gladness to the sunshine, a new fragrance to the flowers, a new beauty to the earth, a new mystery to life…it will give a new revelation to love, a new depth to sorrow, a new impulse to worship. – Letter from Mark Twain, to his fiancé, Olivia

Our daughter and her wife-to-be chose this passage to be read at their wedding, and it was indeed the mightiest day, not just for them, but for my husband and me, our daughter-in-law’s parents, all the aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, cousins and friends who came to celebrate the gladness, beauty, and mystery of marriage.

We couldn’t imagine how much the joys of that day would echo up and down generations. We came to New Hampshire when the lure of grandparenthood became too strong to resist, and now, as our granddaughter said, in the language of children living through a pandemic, “We are six peas in a pod.” Together, we celebrate holidays with our growing family, the ordination of our niece, who officiated at the wedding, the arrival of grandchildren, great nieces and nephews; we mourn the passing of cherished grandparents who had become part of our family and our hearts by marriage.

In a way, this is ordinary–nothing more than what everyone hopes for from marriage. But all the emotional, spiritual, cultural, and practical benefits marriage brings would not have been possible for our family without the courage and devotion of those who have fought and continue to fight for equal rights for the LGBTQ+ community. This is why we celebrate Pride. Pride is half of a two pronged attack in the battle for equal rights: legal action to win equality; and a public celebration of human joy and love; and the battle flag is the symbol of renewal and grace: the rainbow.

Systems and laws have punished and excluded LGBTQ+ people for centuries, making it legal to discriminate against them in housing and employment and bar them from public spaces, churches, and even military service. They were supposed to be ashamed of who they were, and those who weren’t sufficiently ashamed had to live in fear of arrest, harassment, unemployment, blackmail, assault, and even murder. When people began to fight against mass arrests for being gay in public, as happened at what’s historically known as the Stonewall Riot of 1969, their message was, “No. We refuse to hide in shame anymore.”

Over time, a few states enacted laws protecting the rights of LGBTQ+ Americans. Most held tight to discrimination. But with favorable legal rulings in the 1980s and 1990s, the GOP saw an opportunity to use “gay rights” as a weapon in their political arsenal, disguised as “traditional

values.” Support for the Defense of Marriage Act was a prominent part of the GOP platform in 1996, Congress passed it with a veto-proof majority, and it was signed by President Clinton. DOMA barred same-sex couples from being recognized as spouses in federal law and allowed states that banned same-sex marriage to refuse to recognize marriage contracts from other states.

There were over 1,000 discriminatory ramifications of this law. Same-sex spouses paid more taxes than other couples; they didn’t have access to each other’s employment benefits; in the wake of DOMA, 40 states passed measures denying recognition of same-sex marriages. But as we awaited the birth of our grandson, the full cruelty and callousness of DOMA became crystal clear: one provision was that a nonbiological parent could not have a legal relationship with a child of the biological parent in a same-sex partnership. Nor could they take medical leave to care for a spouse or non-biological child. This meant our daughter-in-law, who helped with the birth of both our grandchildren, whose name is on their birth certificates, who shares all the joys and trials of parenthood, and who legally adopted both children in Massachusetts, would not be recognized as their parent or our daughter’s caregiver in most other states.

Fortunately, there were a lot of people as furious as we were, but it still took 15 years for the Supreme Court to rule DOMA Unconstitutional. On June 26th, 2013 we all held our breath, waiting for the ruling in the Obergefell v. Kasich case and cried for joy when we heard it. Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy stated, “The Constitution’s guarantee of equality must at the very least mean that a bare congressional desire to harm a politically unpopular group cannot justify disparate treatment of that group…. DOMA writes inequality into the entire United States Code…. Among the over 1,000 statutes and numerous federal regulations that DOMA controls are laws pertaining to Social Security, housing, taxes, criminal sanctions, copyright, and veterans’ benefits. DOMA’s principal effect is to identify a subset of state-sanctioned marriages and make them unequal [under federal law].”

The battle isn’t over. Across the country, the right-wing- led GOP has created a vicious conspiracy theory they refer to as “the gay agenda.” A Republican Idaho state Representative accused the LGBTQ+ community of waging a “war of perversion against our children.” In Georgia, Republican Representative Margery Taylor Greene takes Replacement Theory into the battle, claiming “straight” people will be extinct in two generations. In NH, “divisive concepts” and anti-trans bills introduced and supported by GOP Legislators aim to drive children back into the shadows and take away parents’ right to seek the kind of medical and emotional care their children need.

These attacks aren’t simply absurd: they’re dangerous. They encourage people to believe they’re justified, or even morally obligated, to eliminate people who they’re told are “grooming” children to join in their “perversion.” Right here in America, “gay-bashing” is an actual activity using fists, bats, and sticks, as well as hateful slurs. In New Hampshire and other states, assaults against gay people are excused by the “gay panic defense.” The image of Matthew Sheppard, found beaten nearly to death and left to die tied to a barbed wire fence, is emblematic of how dangerous the lies of GOP extremists truly are.

We are privileged to have become part of the LGBTQ+ community by marriage, and so we wish to share some truths:

• It’s impossible to turn anyone gay. Sexual orientation and gender identity are innate, beautifully complex, and completely individual.

• No one goes into the long, painful process of transgender transition to win medals or lurk in bathrooms.

• Members of the LGBTQ+ community are far more likely to be victims of violent crimes perpetrated by “straight” people than to be violent themselves.

• The real gay agenda is nothing more than expecting the rights and responsibilities of being an American to apply to everyone equally: work, gather in communities, raise families, pay taxes, live freely in peace and safety.

We invite everyone to stand behind the rainbow banner and fight against hate and violence. Replace the radical Republicans in the NH and national legislatures who promote dangerous lies about the LGBTQ+ community with those who will fight for full equality for every single American.

Jean Lewandowski is a resident of Nashua.